My very first contribution and I chose to write something utterly depressing. Gah.
Nonetheless, I felt compelled to tell the tale of when I was only a one-week Mother.
Serendipity, cosmic intervention, what have you... but nothing was more sign-ificant as the little coincidences leading up to my BFP (my only one it seems).
A few days post-ovulation, I had dreams crazier than I ever had. I read that crazy, vivid dreams were some early symptoms of pregnancy recently but didn’t point to it because I never heard of that rationalisation then, thinking more that there were just bizarre dreams.
My first dream was that my breasts were blue, so blue like Mystique in X-man. Seriously. I woke up more gigglish than frightened because if you had been in the dream, saw how my breasts had looked like (only my breasts were blue I tell you!), you would have laughed out loud too. It was really comical.
Then some days after that, we invited friends over. I haven’t seen my friend’s son, a 4-year old, for quite a long while. That same friend’s wife was 7-months pregnant then. We were talking by the window – the son, the mother, me, and he pointed to his mommy’s belly and said, “I have a sister in there.”
I said, “Wow! I know. Isn’t that great? I wish I have a baby in there too.”
He said, that little chubby 4-year old boy said, “There’s a baby in there, too.” He pointed at my belly.
His mother and I were stunned.
But I recovered because I was at the 10th unsuccessful cycle then and I thought Life would never be that kind to me.
Some many days later, I dreamt that DH and I were in the bathroom, and we were staring hard at a HPT. I couldn’t remember what the result was like, but I only recalled going back to bed and snuggling with DH. I woke up disappointed.
And then.... I was late.
Just one day only but I thought, finally. I walked with my head up high to the drawer and drew out the HPT like a queen would pull out some magical sword. And then I quietly padded to the bathroom, this time feeling like a sneaky thief because I was afraid the physical AF witch was lurking in some corner waiting to pounce on me.
You can imagine how hysterical I was when the second line appeared. It’s like I never loved pink in my life, and never did a white plastic stick seem like a glowing gold bar in my hands.
I kept staring at the stick the whole day, still doubting the test. I thought it was an evaporation line.
A week later, we went to see a gynae and took a blood test. I was really pregnant. DH and I were ecstatic beyond words. In that one week, we let ourselves be buoyed by the future hopes and dreams – our child’s name, the gender, the type of pram.
In one week, our Life was more than perfect.
We had our first scan but the doctor couldn’t pick up anything. It should have been a warning to us. We were supposed to be 5 weeks but no sac could be picked up. The doctor thought we had counted our dates wrongly and were probably earlier than 5 weeks.
We walked out of the hospital, nodding that perhaps the doctor was right.
Just 3 days later I saw brown spots.
And then my world crumbled because even though some people were advising that perhaps it’s just old blood, I couldn’t feel a connection anymore. I felt empty. I don’t know how that feeling came to overwhelm me, but I did. And I knew that our little bean would never grow.
True enough, when I found more brown spots, I knew it would never be.
I thought after that early miscarriage, I would bounce back to my usual self. I did.
But 3 months after the miscarriage, I just felt hopeless. And I think I’m giving up because it seemed like the heartache isn’t worth it.
But I chanced upon ready ready2bmom’s blog and then I found her twitter, which lead me to a ttchappyhour chat, and eventually this blog and I realised that even if I’m caught up in the world where women get pregnant instantaneously it seemed, there were other women who ttc far longer than I did, still went on with their lives with so much strength and hope, and I knew that even if I struggle, I am not alone.
That itself is a solace to me, knowing that life goes on no matter what. :)
Kat/Mrs_Fad
