Some News...

Hello my wonderful ladies:

I hope you'll forgive me telling you this today.  I wanted to wait to share the news until after Infertility Awareness Week.  But I'm freaking, and I really need your support right now, so I hope you'll forgive my timing.

So, after all my false positive drama (which I'm still convinced it was false), I still hadn't gotten AF.  I took another test last Monday, and it was positive.  HCG came back 261.  I was shocked as hell, but also really happy, especially since it was our 7 year anniversary.  The second blood test was on Wednesday, and it doubled to 521.  Awesome, even better.

So my RE's office is like, ok we'll schedule you for an ultrasound in three weeks.  Ummmm... long time to wait?  Last pregnancy (last year), because I'm at a high risk for miscarriage they were testing me once or twice a week.  I asked for periodic tests this time just for peace of mind--I'll pay for them out of pocket, I didn't care.  I just wanted a heads up if someone was going wrong, so I wouldn't be "surprised" if you know what I mean. 

Things are going on well, but apparently I turn into a hypocondriac when I'm pregnant.  One thing I ALWAYS do when I'm preggo is wake up in the middle of the night to pee.  It's annoying, but I take great comfort in it.  The last couple pregnancies, every time I've slept through the night we've miscarried shortly after. 

Last night, I slept through the night.  I woke up at about 6 am and freaked the F out, because I realized I hadn't gotten up.  Also, my breasts were no longer tender. 

I left a freaked out message on my doctor's answering machine, and then made my husband call after I knew they had been open for 30 minutes but they hadn't called me.  I could practically hear their eyes rolling when they finally called me back.  You know what?  You're a frickin' RE's office!  You deal with women who have repeated miscarriage all the time.  You should be a little more sensitive, even if we are completely crazy.  But they agreed to have me blood test again this morning, and the doc ordered it stat--it should be in by the end of the day.

I know I sound crazy.  And I feel crazy now too, especially since I've got a little breast tenderness back. 

I just don't think I can go through this again. 

Every time I think, "this is it".  But I feel no different this time than any other.  It's not more special or different than the past.  What if I really am just completely broken inside? 

I'm just really scared right now.  I hope to God I'm overreacting.  If its bad news, I will be heartbroken.

Anyways, again I'm so sorry to surprise you with this news.  Obviously I haven't said anything on the blog, or even on Twitter.  In that vein, thank you SO MUCH to the Twitter ladies who met with me in the chat room early this morning.  I REALLY sprung this news on you, but I didn't want to call anyone else because I know no one else will really understand but you all.  So thanks for the talk, I appreciate it. 

I'll come back later today and post the results.  If you need to find me I'll be here for the next 4 to 6 hours, breathing into this paper bag... 

Again, thanks for the support.

PS:  I posted on Twitter but wanted to let you know here too, results came back normal.  I've never been so happy to have been a crazy overreactor in my whole life.  Now just wait for first appointment on May 13.